Last Month,
my son Adi made the school football team. Boy, was I proud. And I couldn’t stop
saying so. “Great job, Well done my son! You’re the best!” I beamed, he beamed,
and all seemed right with the world.
It’s
not the first time my kids have heard me shout their praises. I’m the resident
cheering section, their biggest fan, a back-patter extraordinaire. These days,
you can find me handing out compliments as if they’re sticks of gum—when my
kids practice chess, score a goal, help with dishes. The mom logic goes
like this: The kid does good, so I make him feel great about himself. It’s
called boosting self-esteem. Or so I thought.
1.
Step back
As
it turns out, there are better ways to build self-esteem than heaping on praise
for everything kids do—starting with helping them become competent in the
world. To do so, though, you have to learn to step back and let your child take
risks, make choices, solve problems and stick with what they start.
2. Over-praising kids does more harm than good
Self-esteem
comes from feeling loved and secure, and from developing competence,
and although parents often shower their kids with the first two ingredients, competence—becoming
good at things—takes time and effort. “As much as we may want to, we can’t
praise our kids into competence,” he says.
In
fact, by over-praising kids, we’re doing more harm than good. “We’re lowering
the bar for them,”. “If you keep telling your child she is already doing a
fantastic job, you’re saying she no longer needs to push herself. But
confidence comes from doing, from trying and failing and trying again—from
practise.”
3.
Let your child take healthy risks
Start
by forcing yourself to stand back while your child takes healthy risks, says
Victoria Sopik, CEO of Kids & Company, a corporate childcare service in
Toronto, and a mother of eight. “To build confidence in the world, kids have to
take chances, make choices and take responsibility for them,” Sopik says. She
sees too many parents trying to rescue their kids from failure all the time.
Sopik
remembers staring from across the room as her two-year-old son, Fraser, lifted
a huge jug of orange pop at a fancy party. “He was about to pour it into a
glass, and I just stood there, holding my breath,” Sopik recalls. Rather
than trying to save her son before he had a chance to try, Sopik watched as
Fraser spilled the pop all over the floor.
4.
Let kids make their own choices
When
kids make their own age-appropriate choices, they feel more powerful, says
Sopik, pointing out that kids as young as two can start considering the
consequences of their decisions. Sopik always let her kids decide on their own
whether to wear a coat, hat and mittens in winter. “Once they knew
the difference between warm and cold, it was up to them. They should have
control over their bodies and take responsibility for their choices,” she says.
5.
Let them help around the house
In
building self-esteem, kids also need opportunities to demonstrate their
competence and feel that their contribution is valuable, says Taylor. At home,
that means asking them, even when they’re toddlers, to help with
cooking, setting the table and making beds.
6.
Encourage them to pursue their interests (fully)
Another
surefire way to boost confidence in kids is to encourage them to take on tasks
they show interest in, then make sure they follow through to completion. It
doesn’t matter what the task—it could be anything from swimming laps to beating
levels in video games. The point is for them to stick with what they start, so
they feel that hit of accomplishment at the end.
7.
What to do when children struggle or fail
What
if your child’s self-esteem plummets when she gets cut from the gymnastics team
or can’t memorize multiplication tables?
8.
Don’t lose sleep over it
“So
many parents have it backward,” Taylor says. “They think struggles and failure
will hurt their kids’ self-esteem, but it’s actually a golden opportunity to
help build it.”
9.
Make clear that your love is unconditional
Let
your child know you love her even when she fails or makes bad decisions. If all
you talk about is performance, Sopik points out, she will think you only love
her for her report card or the lead she got in the play.
10.
Make sure your child’s goals are within reach, at a level appropriate for his
ability
That
may mean suggesting he join house league, where he can feel like a star rather
than being the last one picked on the AA team. MacLeod learned this lesson when
her son, Alex, was in grade two. Feeling like a failure at reading, Alex was
ready to give up when MacLeod brought home some Magic Tree House books, which
were slightly below Alex’s level. “He read one every two days and was so proud
of himself that he went on to read the Goosebumps series, no problem,” she
recalls. Afterward, mother and son talked about how Alex’s choice to practise
paid off, and she praised his perseverance.
11.
Offer appropriate praise
Although
praise is often misused, when it’s specific and earned, it is a valuable
self-esteem builder, Taylor says.
Lorna
Crosse, a former music teacher, remembers asking her choir students to keep a
“brag file” full of praise they earned. Any time they saw their names in a
program or newspaper article or received a complimentary note, they were to put
it inside. “When the kids had a bad day, they would take out those words of
praise and read all the neat things they had done, and it would make them feel
better about themselves.”
Your self-esteem checklist
Here are some of the things that the
Canadian Mental Health Association says you can do to help raise confident—not
coddled—kids:
Feel special. It’s
imporant for you to help your children discover their own unique talents and
qualities, and to value their own strengths. But also teach them that feeling
special doesn’t mean feeling better than others.
Set goals. Teach
your kids to work towards a goal and to have pride in their accomplishments.
Provide them with opportunities for success.
Try, try again. Encourage
your children to try things their own way, face challenges and take risks.
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